Urges for places unknown

1. Ireland. I'm really feeling this place right now. I want to see the green. I miss the green, winter here kills it. But there? You see rolling green hills for miles and miles. I need that right now

2. Italy. I have tasted real Italian and LOVED it. Soooo good. Italy reminds me of old school classy. I need history right now.

3. Ocean. I need to feel those waves take me up and under again soon. Its so easy to feel God in the Ocean. So vast so unknown, just like Him. I need those salty waves and burning sun once more.

Confession?

I feel so overweight and not myself. I long for the days when staying home all day meant watching cartoons while sitting on the couch instead of now watching trash tv and endless commercials about getting back into shape.
My boyfriend says I'm beautiful ( :D ) and I know God thinks so to, but I wanna feel that way. I want little black dresses and huge belts. Legs that stretch out forever and knee high boots to match. I want to finally wear a bikini and swim all day in the ocean, never once worrying if people think I'm to fat to wear it.
I have always for as long as I can remember been very self-aware of having the best body in the whole family. Aunts, cousins, uncles and the like have always bragged about me, telling their friends and children how beautiful and SKINNY I was. I felt so proud and pretty. Like I for once had something they didn't.

I want that back.

So today I started working my butt off so that by the time June comes around I will finally feel proud of my body in years.
I know people might think I'm crazy and that I am beautiful no matter what; but I want to feel that way.

Then maybe I'll finally starting getting my life back together.

Hidden Fears.

I will always regret leaving leaving; not sticking it out.
I'll grow up to be just like my mother(s).
Giving up on some amazing friendships because of my brokenness.
Saying yes when maybe God was saying no.
Everyone will leave because I have told them to.